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ironicallyelijahHELLO WELCOME BACK TO MY MADNESS
many smallish life updates to give, mostly writing these because journalling is a healthy outlet (or so im told............)
this is more or less gonna be some venting paired with some general life yapping
so my little sister came out as trans to my dad and long story short we had a very very veryyyy unpleasant weekend and even though my dad has said hes going to go back into therapy for anger management and learn more about lgbtq+ people and attend pflag meetings, im still having a hard time forgiving him or trusting him. like i only *just* stopped being perpetually stressed out haunted by intrusive thoughts replaying the horrible queerphobic things he was screaming at the top of his lungs. it took me like a full week to stop shaking in my own house, having my heart rate pickup when hearing his voice, and focus enough to get my work done (to an extent)
my little sister i think is doing okayish, shes obviously still fuming at my dad though and i dont know if she'll ever trust him again, which is fair.
all of this caused me to fall completely off schedule with my film progress, and im still off progress honestly. i also have some homework im neglecting which is super out of character for me, i gotta lock in with that. luckily its spring break so that *should* give me some breathing room. maybe.
also i was *finally* able to get a job that ill be starting monday, i work at target now yayyyy (unless something terrible happens)
after getting hired i was so genuinely terribly anxious and worried about some distant unplaceable Fear for the last few days and i wasn't able to unpack it until just yesterday.
because my self esteem is so low and also ive experienced people patronizing me and insulting my intelligence my entire life, one of the reasons why im so scared of working is because i genuinely have this internal belief that im not smart enough to do anything aside from drawing.
i genuinely *genuinely* held this unconscious belief that i was too incompetent and stupid to learn to do basic tasks outside of my typical skillset. the reason i was frantically DMing all my friends with jobs about how to not fuck up and not able to get the information i needed to satisfy myself was because i was looking at every single other person in my life with this mythologizing awe of They Are Doing Something That I Am Not Capable Enough To Do (minimum wage job) if that makes sense.
after discovering this and realizing how unreasonable this is and that i deserve better, ive been a lot calmer. im also trying to not think too much about what it'll be like and all the other 'what ifs' because worrying wont somehow help me create a perfect plan to ensure everything goes well, i'll just be worrying.
i think also to an extent the diner i was working at briefly traumatized me (they fired me without telling me after a month LOL) mostly because my coworkers were lowkey sexually harassing me (which is something i had a hard time coming to terms with as a guy), the boss was a piece of shit, they didnt train me properly and had pretty unreasonable expectations of me (hey why havent you memorized the locations of Everything in one day. are you stupid or something), etc.
luckily target is not food service. i dont think i could ever do that again LOL
i was also scared about them trying to schedule me on top of times im in class, but i already disclosed im a full time student, ill just come in and give them my availability and we'll all get over it together. the commute also shouldnt be crazy, seems like theres a reliable train station to get from my school to there and vice versa, my only worry is getting home at night because its a 40 minute walk and i dont know the neighborhood very well.
buses in new york can sometimes be dicey, you gotta know through people which buses actually are reliable and come on time and which buses literally run on their own schedule (LIKE A CERTAIN BUS NEAR MY HOUSE. COUGH.) there are a handful of different buses near the target but again, i dont really know the area so i dont know how reliable they are, and how reliable they are at night (two entirely different things)
i actually went out yesterday to go to that target to possibly buy a bunch of red shirts since thats gonna be my uniform, and i realized on the spot that i was hired for an entirely different target than the one i originally thought. i am so so so thankful i caught that before my first day otherwise that would be awful oh my god. they didnt have any red shirts, which was very funny, but i got to scope out the place a bit. it seems pretty cute, a lot of middle school age kids there, some with their parents, there were some typically overly stressed and aggressive looking customers but mostly it just seemed like a local residential spot near a school. the coworkers seemed a bit tired but i saw some minor banter and they generally looked pretty chill.
i mean honestly, i didnt hear any gunshots, which is the true defining mark of a safe neighborhood, so im not too worried.
i was actually wondering if any of them would recognize me from the virtual interview i did, which wouldve made for a really funny but also mildly awkward interaction.
on another note, i feel bad for my brother. he got through trade school and is now working a shitty 12 hour job from 3 am to 4 pm, and id be making more money working at target. he also had a panic attack last night because they suddenly decided to turn it into a 20(?) hour shift and he physically and mentally couldnt take it so they let him go early. idk whats gonna happen there. i really just want us all to be able to survive in this household. i hope he didnt get fired or anything, but i also hope he finds a better job.
i love my dad but i really do not think i can live with him, its just getting to be too much. im not sure if moving out would be viable though, apartments in NYC are expensive and thats not even considering groceries, monthly transportation fees, utilities, phone bill, etc. i feel like id just be pissing away money that i should be saving to pay off my student loans. idk, life is hard and expensive. AND on top of that, what about roommate conflicts, conflicting schedules/life styles, etc. i really hope my dad works on himself and we get to a point where we dont have to worry about him flying off the handle from stress and screaming like a maniac so i can just build up my savings until the time is right. i might bring it up with my friend kris, he knows way more about apartments and moving than i do.
one more little note, ive been trying to get a therapist, which im really excited about. unfortunately its been a bit of a struggle finding the right one because im being a little picky and antsy, *and* i refuse to do online therapy because it does not work for me. i need to actually go into a place and sit and talk to a person. i get to get dressed, leave my house, and talk to someone in a comforting environment. thats part of the escapism. it doesnt work if im essentially just doing a zoom call in my room. i sent out a couple emails, i might send out some more today, hopefully i get some good news.
i think thats everything so far?
honestly im just so glad to be able to breath again and not have my chest hurt all hours of the day. being calm is such an underrated thing when you have terrible terrible untreated anxiety.
anyways, thanks for reading if you did, i gotta go to primark to buy some red shirts, then im gonna get drunk with my friends and watch superbad. AND HOPEFULLY MAKE TIME IN BETWEEN THAT TO WORK ON MY FILM. bye!!!!
many smallish life updates to give, mostly writing these because journalling is a healthy outlet (or so im told............)
this is more or less gonna be some venting paired with some general life yapping
so my little sister came out as trans to my dad and long story short we had a very very veryyyy unpleasant weekend and even though my dad has said hes going to go back into therapy for anger management and learn more about lgbtq+ people and attend pflag meetings, im still having a hard time forgiving him or trusting him. like i only *just* stopped being perpetually stressed out haunted by intrusive thoughts replaying the horrible queerphobic things he was screaming at the top of his lungs. it took me like a full week to stop shaking in my own house, having my heart rate pickup when hearing his voice, and focus enough to get my work done (to an extent)
my little sister i think is doing okayish, shes obviously still fuming at my dad though and i dont know if she'll ever trust him again, which is fair.
all of this caused me to fall completely off schedule with my film progress, and im still off progress honestly. i also have some homework im neglecting which is super out of character for me, i gotta lock in with that. luckily its spring break so that *should* give me some breathing room. maybe.
also i was *finally* able to get a job that ill be starting monday, i work at target now yayyyy (unless something terrible happens)
after getting hired i was so genuinely terribly anxious and worried about some distant unplaceable Fear for the last few days and i wasn't able to unpack it until just yesterday.
because my self esteem is so low and also ive experienced people patronizing me and insulting my intelligence my entire life, one of the reasons why im so scared of working is because i genuinely have this internal belief that im not smart enough to do anything aside from drawing.
i genuinely *genuinely* held this unconscious belief that i was too incompetent and stupid to learn to do basic tasks outside of my typical skillset. the reason i was frantically DMing all my friends with jobs about how to not fuck up and not able to get the information i needed to satisfy myself was because i was looking at every single other person in my life with this mythologizing awe of They Are Doing Something That I Am Not Capable Enough To Do (minimum wage job) if that makes sense.
after discovering this and realizing how unreasonable this is and that i deserve better, ive been a lot calmer. im also trying to not think too much about what it'll be like and all the other 'what ifs' because worrying wont somehow help me create a perfect plan to ensure everything goes well, i'll just be worrying.
i think also to an extent the diner i was working at briefly traumatized me (they fired me without telling me after a month LOL) mostly because my coworkers were lowkey sexually harassing me (which is something i had a hard time coming to terms with as a guy), the boss was a piece of shit, they didnt train me properly and had pretty unreasonable expectations of me (hey why havent you memorized the locations of Everything in one day. are you stupid or something), etc.
luckily target is not food service. i dont think i could ever do that again LOL
i was also scared about them trying to schedule me on top of times im in class, but i already disclosed im a full time student, ill just come in and give them my availability and we'll all get over it together. the commute also shouldnt be crazy, seems like theres a reliable train station to get from my school to there and vice versa, my only worry is getting home at night because its a 40 minute walk and i dont know the neighborhood very well.
buses in new york can sometimes be dicey, you gotta know through people which buses actually are reliable and come on time and which buses literally run on their own schedule (LIKE A CERTAIN BUS NEAR MY HOUSE. COUGH.) there are a handful of different buses near the target but again, i dont really know the area so i dont know how reliable they are, and how reliable they are at night (two entirely different things)
i actually went out yesterday to go to that target to possibly buy a bunch of red shirts since thats gonna be my uniform, and i realized on the spot that i was hired for an entirely different target than the one i originally thought. i am so so so thankful i caught that before my first day otherwise that would be awful oh my god. they didnt have any red shirts, which was very funny, but i got to scope out the place a bit. it seems pretty cute, a lot of middle school age kids there, some with their parents, there were some typically overly stressed and aggressive looking customers but mostly it just seemed like a local residential spot near a school. the coworkers seemed a bit tired but i saw some minor banter and they generally looked pretty chill.
i mean honestly, i didnt hear any gunshots, which is the true defining mark of a safe neighborhood, so im not too worried.
i was actually wondering if any of them would recognize me from the virtual interview i did, which wouldve made for a really funny but also mildly awkward interaction.
on another note, i feel bad for my brother. he got through trade school and is now working a shitty 12 hour job from 3 am to 4 pm, and id be making more money working at target. he also had a panic attack last night because they suddenly decided to turn it into a 20(?) hour shift and he physically and mentally couldnt take it so they let him go early. idk whats gonna happen there. i really just want us all to be able to survive in this household. i hope he didnt get fired or anything, but i also hope he finds a better job.
i love my dad but i really do not think i can live with him, its just getting to be too much. im not sure if moving out would be viable though, apartments in NYC are expensive and thats not even considering groceries, monthly transportation fees, utilities, phone bill, etc. i feel like id just be pissing away money that i should be saving to pay off my student loans. idk, life is hard and expensive. AND on top of that, what about roommate conflicts, conflicting schedules/life styles, etc. i really hope my dad works on himself and we get to a point where we dont have to worry about him flying off the handle from stress and screaming like a maniac so i can just build up my savings until the time is right. i might bring it up with my friend kris, he knows way more about apartments and moving than i do.
one more little note, ive been trying to get a therapist, which im really excited about. unfortunately its been a bit of a struggle finding the right one because im being a little picky and antsy, *and* i refuse to do online therapy because it does not work for me. i need to actually go into a place and sit and talk to a person. i get to get dressed, leave my house, and talk to someone in a comforting environment. thats part of the escapism. it doesnt work if im essentially just doing a zoom call in my room. i sent out a couple emails, i might send out some more today, hopefully i get some good news.
i think thats everything so far?
honestly im just so glad to be able to breath again and not have my chest hurt all hours of the day. being calm is such an underrated thing when you have terrible terrible untreated anxiety.
anyways, thanks for reading if you did, i gotta go to primark to buy some red shirts, then im gonna get drunk with my friends and watch superbad. AND HOPEFULLY MAKE TIME IN BETWEEN THAT TO WORK ON MY FILM. bye!!!!