well that was fun, goodbye!
Jun. 29th, 2024 07:20 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ironicallyelijahSO
finally moved in with my dad after graduating. yippee!!!!! ive only been living here like a week or so but ive made a lot of changes and adjustment ^_^
for one i started dieting and active exercise for the first time in my life ever. when i was younger and didnt know i was trans i clung to any way to separate myself from girls (honestly im pretty sure every not like other girls poster was queer in some way) and ended up fixated on the notion that caring about weight or health in any way is feminine which! is bad! its still really hard to escape that mindset because its been seared into my brain since i was 11, but baby steps. before this week, i wasnt even sure how much i weighed because id never checked (and i was never really taken for well visits but thats a whole other story)
i cut out excessive snacking which i sorta came to realize i really only did as a stim so thats huge progress there. im also trying to take into account the kinds of things i eat. like acknowledging that maybe excessively sweet or buttery or salty or fried foods arent the best for me because theres a certain amount of those things i should consume in a day. for most people this is probably super surface level and already part of daily routines, but im still proud of myself ^_^
the main reason im doing all this though is because i plan to start T soon!!!! hopefully!!! the thing is, i still need to have that conversation with my dad. hes come a long way with accepting me, but the last time we talked about anything regarding medical transitioning it was when i came out to him last year when he was threatening to cut me off of his health insurance. so! stress inducing!!!! im horrible at confrontation and dont know how to start conversations with my dad. i usually wait til the last possible second when im essentially forced into talking to him about something i need because the idea of just talking to him (even though he genuinely cares and loves me and is way better than my mom) makes me physically nauseous. so with something like getting T where the only deadline is my own mental turmoil and dysphoria and impatience that ive come so far and im finally 18 so why am i not on T yet, im petrified ill keep putting it off like i did with coming out. i dont even get the relief of 'well that wasnt so hard, its over now' because the nausea usually just. lingers. for a few hours or days. im just a shakey little chihuahua of a creature. driving down to nj with just my dad today to get my glasses (bc my old ones broke and the new ones shipped after i moved), really hoping its brought up while we talk so i can finally bite the bullet and have the conversation.
but anyways, onto more celebratory news, the name change is like! finally for real happening! for real for real!!!!!! and also getting my sex marker changed too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i went to court on thursday and got all my papers checked out and i just need to come back with my ss card and proof of residency, then wait for it to process, then i am legal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! its small compared to T or even top surgery, but just having one solid step forward in my transition makes me feel like. idk less of a failure? i had all these goals i wanted done as soon as possible and the only thing standing between me and them were my age, so now that im finally 18 and they arent done i feel so impatient and depressed. with the name change and stuff finally happening, it feels like the train is chugging along again.
honestly just. thinking about the idea of having to talk to my dad about T is making me nauseous rn. whatever it is i have that makes me so anxious its physically debilitating i need to be medicated for because i really dont think i can keep living like this :( so many regular tasks become huge sources of stress because i cant just talk to people and if i can get away with it, i put them off for way too long.
finally moved in with my dad after graduating. yippee!!!!! ive only been living here like a week or so but ive made a lot of changes and adjustment ^_^
for one i started dieting and active exercise for the first time in my life ever. when i was younger and didnt know i was trans i clung to any way to separate myself from girls (honestly im pretty sure every not like other girls poster was queer in some way) and ended up fixated on the notion that caring about weight or health in any way is feminine which! is bad! its still really hard to escape that mindset because its been seared into my brain since i was 11, but baby steps. before this week, i wasnt even sure how much i weighed because id never checked (and i was never really taken for well visits but thats a whole other story)
i cut out excessive snacking which i sorta came to realize i really only did as a stim so thats huge progress there. im also trying to take into account the kinds of things i eat. like acknowledging that maybe excessively sweet or buttery or salty or fried foods arent the best for me because theres a certain amount of those things i should consume in a day. for most people this is probably super surface level and already part of daily routines, but im still proud of myself ^_^
the main reason im doing all this though is because i plan to start T soon!!!! hopefully!!! the thing is, i still need to have that conversation with my dad. hes come a long way with accepting me, but the last time we talked about anything regarding medical transitioning it was when i came out to him last year when he was threatening to cut me off of his health insurance. so! stress inducing!!!! im horrible at confrontation and dont know how to start conversations with my dad. i usually wait til the last possible second when im essentially forced into talking to him about something i need because the idea of just talking to him (even though he genuinely cares and loves me and is way better than my mom) makes me physically nauseous. so with something like getting T where the only deadline is my own mental turmoil and dysphoria and impatience that ive come so far and im finally 18 so why am i not on T yet, im petrified ill keep putting it off like i did with coming out. i dont even get the relief of 'well that wasnt so hard, its over now' because the nausea usually just. lingers. for a few hours or days. im just a shakey little chihuahua of a creature. driving down to nj with just my dad today to get my glasses (bc my old ones broke and the new ones shipped after i moved), really hoping its brought up while we talk so i can finally bite the bullet and have the conversation.
but anyways, onto more celebratory news, the name change is like! finally for real happening! for real for real!!!!!! and also getting my sex marker changed too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i went to court on thursday and got all my papers checked out and i just need to come back with my ss card and proof of residency, then wait for it to process, then i am legal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! its small compared to T or even top surgery, but just having one solid step forward in my transition makes me feel like. idk less of a failure? i had all these goals i wanted done as soon as possible and the only thing standing between me and them were my age, so now that im finally 18 and they arent done i feel so impatient and depressed. with the name change and stuff finally happening, it feels like the train is chugging along again.
honestly just. thinking about the idea of having to talk to my dad about T is making me nauseous rn. whatever it is i have that makes me so anxious its physically debilitating i need to be medicated for because i really dont think i can keep living like this :( so many regular tasks become huge sources of stress because i cant just talk to people and if i can get away with it, i put them off for way too long.